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Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Burger Spotted at Carl’s Jr.

Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Burger Spotted at Carl’s Jr.



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Why not cover a cheeseburger in Cheetos?

A burger topped with Flamin' Hot Cheetos and melted cheese sauce has been spotted at Carl's Jr. locations in Los Angeles.

The Doritos Locos taco shell at Taco Bell has done so much business that of course other fast food purveyors would be tempted to try to replicate its success, and now Carl’s Jr. is reportedly dipping a toe in those waters by testing a Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Thickburger at select locations.

According to Foodbeast, an ad for the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Thickburger has been spotted at a few locations in Los Angeles. The photo has been traveling around Instagram, and judging from the food in the picture, the Flamin’ Hot Cheetos Thickburger is one of Carl’s Jr.’s signature Thickburgers with lettuce, tomato, and a slice of pepper Jack cheese. On top of that, it is crowned with a handful of spicy Flamin’ Hot Cheetos and a generous serving of Cheddar cheese sauce, which is probably necessary to keep the Cheetos on top of the burger.

The burger is covered in a handful of bright red Cheetos, and it seems custom made for posting to Instagram, but it has not yet been spotted outside of Los Angeles. Considering the success of this type of quick-service/vending machine fusion cuisine, it seems like only a matter of time before it is occupying pride of place on Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s menus and Instagram feeds nationwide.


Carl's Jr.'s Latest Slutburger Ad Is 'Irritating and Annoying,' Says America

Carl's Jr. racy "slutburger" commercials just aren't doing it anymore for the American public. According to Ad Age, copy testing firm Ameritest says people are tired of the chain's advertisements featuring scantily clad women suggestively eating burgers, especially their latest one. The ad — which premiered during the Super Bowl — shows model Charlotte McKinney "walking, seemingly naked, through a farm market, before it's revealed that she is wearing a bikini and has a hankering for a really large All-Natural Burger, which she stuffs seductively in her mouth."

32 percent of viewers even "felt worse" about the chain after watching the commercial.

When Ameritest showed the commercial to its panel of consumers they found that only 27 percent of them planned to visit a Carl's Jr. in the next month after seeing the ad. That's much lower than the average: Typically, 43 percent of consumers say that they will visit a restaurant after seeing its ad. Furthermore, 52 percent of the viewers found the commercial "offensive" and 51 percent found it "irritating and annoying." 32 percent of viewers even "felt worse" about the chain after watching the commercial.

Over the years, Carl's Jr. and Hardee's have roped a number of famous models and celebrities into filming a "slutburger" commercial including Paris Hilton, Audrina Patridge, Padma Lakshmi, and Kim Kardashian. Watch the commercial below:


Jan 15, 2019

Carl's Jr. Offers "Charbroiled Double Deals" for $2.49

Carl's Jr. offers a trio of double cheeseburgers for $2.49 that they're calling "Charbroiled Double Deals."

Available for a limited time at participating locations, the selection of double cheeseburgers is as follows:

- Double Cheeseburger - Two charbroiled beef patties, American cheese, ketchup, mustard, onion, and pickles on a plain hamburger bun.

- California Classic Double Cheeseburger - Two charbroiled beef patties, American cheese, grilled onions, Thousand Island dressing, tomato, and lettuce on a plain hamburger bun.

- Jalapeno Double Cheeseburger - Two charbroiled beef patties, Santa Fe sauce, pickled jalapenos, pepper jack cheese, lettuce, and tomato on a plain hamburger bun.


FAST FOOD NEWS: Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s The Most American Thickburger

Carl’s Jr. and Hardee’s is now offering a burger called The Most American Thickburger that features a charbroiled 100 percent Black Angus patty, a split hot dog, and a layer of Lay’s Kettle Cooked Potato Chips.

The summer cookout on a bun also includes a slice of American cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles, ketchup, and mustard served on a Fresh Baked Bun. Sadly, there’s no layer of potato salad.

The Carl’s Jr. version with a 1/3 lb patty has 1030 calories 570 calories from fat, 64 grams of fat, 23 grams of fat, 1.5 grams of trans fat, 125 milligrams of cholesterol, 2350 milligrams of sodium, 70 grams of carbohydrates, 4 grams of fiber, 16 grams of sugar, and 38 grams of protein.

The Hardee’s version has 980 calories, 550 calories from fat, 61 grams of fat, 21 grams of saturated fat, 150 milligrams of cholesterol, 2590 milligrams of sodium, 70 grams of carbohydrates, 11 grams of fiber, 18 grams of sugar, and 42 grams of protein.

If you’ve tried it, let us know what you think of it in the comments.


Big eatin'

In the US, a Carl's Jr 1/2lb Thickburger contains 1250 calories and 88 grams of fat – more than twice as fatty as a McDonald's Big Mac, which has 493 calories and 26 grams of fat.

The Thickburger exceeds the Dietitians Association of Australia's recommended daily fat intake for an average adult (70 grams), and is about half the recommended kilojoule intake.

But Mr Lyerly defended the burgers, saying Carl's Jr's target demographic is young, active adults who could accommodate one of the high-fat meals into a healthy diet.

"It's our job to offer customers what they want to eat, whether they're looking for something high-quality, delicious and innovative … or if they want something more healthy, we have that as well," he said, pointing to the menu's low-carb and low-fat options.

Another hallmark of Carl's Jr, which combined with sister company Hardee's has global sales of $US4 billion ($5.6 billion) a year, has been its sometimes questionable creativity.

The Most American Thickburger, released in the US in May last year, for example, combines a beef patty, a grilled hot dog cut in two and a layer of potato crisps.

Other creations have included the Burger Masher, made with mashed potatoes and gravy, the Monster Thickburger (two patties, four strips of bacon and three slices of cheese) and the Flamin' Hot Cheetos Burger – a burger topped with the cheese-flavoured, puffed cornmeal snack.


Published: 17:01 BST, 15 March 2013 | Updated: 03:56 BST, 16 March 2013

American burger chain Carl's Jr are known for persuading beautiful models and actresses to advertise their latest inventions.

Audrina Patridge, Padma Lakshmi, Kim Kardashian, Emily Ratajkowski and Kate Upton have all licked their lips lasciviously for the camera before tucking into a calorific meat and bread snack.

Delicious: Heidi Klum scoffs Carl Jr's new Jim Beam Bourbon Burger in the latest and sexiest advert for the American chain

The juxtaposition of their toned, slim physiques might jar with the meat juices dripping down their chins but these commercials have proved to be a winning formula for the chain.

And now they've landed their biggest name to date in the form of stunning supermodel Heidi Klum.

Unsurprisingly, the 39-year-old's commercial for the Jim Beam Bourbon Burger is probably the sexiest installment yet. and perhaps the hottest in the history of fast food commercials.

Hungry yet? Heidi tucks into the delicious looking snack with gusto and insists she does eat burgers (and fries) regularly)

Mouthful: The feisty German model gives it her all in the short film

Two-pronged attack: Heidi proffers the juicy burger to the young man with her cleavage prominently on display

In it, the mother-of-four strips down to skimpy negligee and shows off her cleavage as she gets to grip with the southern inspired new addition to the menu.

Klum plays a seductress in a recreation of the famous Mrs Robinson scene from Dustin Hoffman's movie classic The Graduate.

'Basically, I am Mrs. Robinson and I am seducing this cute little boy. with my burger,' Heidi said in a behind-the-scenes video.

Powerless to resist: The idea behind the commercial was to pay homage to Dustin Hoffman film The Graduate but with, er, burgers

Fantastic form: To think Heidi maintains this figure and eats burgers and fries. 'tis wondrous

Eat your heart out, Mrs Robinson! Klum is playing Anne Bancroft's role from the 1967 classic

'I shove the burger in his mouth in a sexy way,' she adds.

The commercial's creative director Mick DiMaria explained: @We're basically taking that scene and foodifying it.'

Heidi looks incredibly fit, toned and healthy in the revealing ad but guess what? She insists she keeps this body while still enjoying burgers and fries copiously.

'Mrs Robinson, you're trying to seduce me!' Could there be a tastier sight than Heidi and her bap based patty?

Burger me: Heidi is the latest and greatest in a long line of Carl's Jr beauties

Bit of a mouthful: Heidi struggles to get the gargantuan snack down

Heidi insists: 'I do eat a lot of burgers, I do also eat a lot of fries.'

Because a celebrity would never advertise anything they don't consume themselves.

There's no nutritional information available on the Carl's Jr site about the new burger, though obviously it is glazed with Jim Beam and there's bacon and cheese in there as well as salad and beef.

Saucy! Klum smears Jim Beam sauce on her face as she devours the burger

Her real interest: Klum's Mrs Robinson is more interested in the burger than the boy

'I eat a lot of burgers, and a lot of fries!' Radiant Heidi reveals her diet cheats in the behind-the-scenes video

Burgers at the popular chain range between 600 to a whopping 1000 calories, though there are healthier options like the carb-free burger at 500 calories and white meat sandwiches.

A woman in Heidi's age range (31 to 50) needs between 1,800 to 2,200 calories daily so she no doubt balances these treats with a fair few salads.

Her main man: Heidi is currently dating her former boyfriend Martin Kristen, who is pictured here with her daughter Lou


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She may be missing her pre-pregnancy figure but there was no denying she looks in incredible shape with her legs as lean as ever.

The much-loved screen star then proceeds to rustle herself up one of the restaurant's new Midnight Moonshine burgers and she takes to the task with considerable enthusiasm.

A burger never tasted so good: Hayden, 26, is seen chomping on one of the fast food chain's brand-new burger creations

Showing some skin: The Heroes actress sports a very low-cut wrap over top in the advert which sees her rustle up a burger

Ready for her close-up: She favours impeccably applied make-up with her bold eyes widened by eyeliner on her waterline

Try before you buy: She tastes the sauce before the shot cuts to the meat cooking

Hayden is impeccably made-up for her starring role while her blonde bob is lightly tousled to offer it some extra texture.

The highlight of the clip comes at the end as she proves she enjoys a burger just as much as the next person, unashamedly chomping on the stacked snack.

It's clear to see she thoroughly enjoys every chew and the ad closes with her seductively wiping her lips.

The main event: The highlight of the clip comes at the end as she proves she enjoys a burger just as much as the next person, unashamedly chomping on the stacked snack

Chomp: A close-up shows Hayden chomping down on the mammoth 'Midnight Moonshine' burger - the chain's latest creation

Savouring every bite: Hayden flashes a hint of her cleavage as she relishes her intimate moment with the tasty treat

On the subject of her healthy appetite, she recently told People: 'Frankly, I like to eat a burger. I'm Italian, so I'm not very good at curbing myself. I think that we should allow ourselves that. I think [otherwise] then we'll all end up hangry, and nobody wants to be hangry!'

The confident display marks a turning point in the mother-of-one's life as she recently opened her battle with postpartum depression for which she sought treatment in October.

She said: 'It is one of the most debilitating, scary, guilty feelings that you can ever feel,' in an interview with Yahoo! Style earlier in the month.

Hayden is the latest esteemed pin-up to front the chain's campaign with Kim Kardashian, Kate Upton, Paris Hilton, Heidi Klum and Emily Ratajkowski all appearing in the famous ads over the years.

Lip-smackingly good: It's clear to see she thoroughly enjoys every chew and the ad closes with her seductively wiping her lips


Price and participation may vary.

Price and participation may vary. Made with Minute Maid zerosugar lemonade. "Minute Maid" is a registered trademark of The Coca-Cola Company. ©2021 The Coca-Cola Company.

Price and participation may vary. Made with Minute Maid zerosugar lemonade. "Minute Maid" is a registered trademark of The Coca-Cola Company. ©2021 The Coca-Cola Company.


Early YouTube Days (2016 - 2017)

Nikocado signed up for YouTube on May 27, 2014, however his oldest surviving videos were uploaded in 2016. His early eating videos were him eating a vegan or vegetarian menu as his personal diet. On September 2, 2016, he uploaded a video discussing his deteriorating mental health believing that it was significantly caused by veganism, along with the retirement of Henya Mania's YouTube career. Afterward, he shifted to a more open diet, which would eventually consist of absurd amounts of unhealthy foods, which has received positive feedback.


To Be An American

Hekla Ólafsdóttir was finally an American citizen. It had been a brutal citizenship test, but she had finally successfully pledged her allegiance to the dollar, the eagle and to Tom Hanks [1] like all good Americans must. She ate a packet of cheetos in honor of the US president. She bought a gun from a supermarket. She made jokes about how polite Canadians were. She watched the Superbowl, and pretended American football was an entertaining sport. She sang the new American national anthem – Freebird by Lynyrd Skynyrd. She attended therapy, like all good Americans do. She then stopped attending therapy when she realised how prohibitively expensive it is in America, like all good Americans do. She put up a poster on her wall of the American icon and the latest face on Mount Rushmore: Jeff Bezos. She listened to Kid Rock and worked through the back catalog of Chuck Norris movies. She even started spelling catalogue without the -ue ending. All the hurdles you have to hurdle to qualify as an American thanks to the revamped citizenship test.

Apart from one. She had never had fast food.

The administrator in charge would not allow her to get her American citizenship without this final hurdle. This was the most important stage of becoming an American. After all, were they not The Land Of The Free And The Home Of The Drive-Thru? What did the 50 stars on the McS tar-spangled banner represent if not the top 50 fast food chains in the states? You see that star on the bottom left? That’s the one that symbolises Papa John’s. Nobody likes that star.

To go through the 50 fast food chains. [2] And this would also help with the other aspect that separated Hekla from her American cohorts. Hekla was thin. And this part of the citizenship was designed to change that. Because imagine a world where there are thin Americans! Hekla needed to gain weight if she was to qualify as a true niece to Uncle Sam. And she needed to do so via the other 49 fast-fooderies. As the staff member, Dick Johnson, explained to her.

“ Alright buddy, so you one of those gosh darn European folk? Well, least you ain’t Mexican” said the man who decided whether or not Hekla got her citizenship, in his American drawl and with an American snicker. “I used to know a girl, she was European I think. Spanish or Polish or something. Name was Maria. D’you know her?”

Hekla the Icelandic girl didn’t know Maria the Spaniard or Pole, much to Dick the American’s chagrin.

“ Well, either way. You gotta eat at all these fine establishments to truly be an American. And you gotta put on some pounds” [3]

And so Hekla set to it, so as to obtain her citizenship and become an American. To live the American dream. Which is to watch Queer Eye for the Straight Guy in just your slacks, eating corndogs. That is the American dream, and that was what Hekla was setting about to do. All she had to do was found out what a corndog was. She needed her t-shirt to ride up whilst slouched on a sofa, and then, and only then, would Hekla be an American.

This might take a while, since Hekla was pretty and thin. She had a genuine smile that caused her eyes to glisten, unlike the dead-eyed and insincere grins of most Americans. She was blonde, but not in a Candy or Mandy or Chelsea or Madison kinda way, but with a wispier platinum sheen. She was short, only 162cm or 5ft3 as they say over here, because why wouldn’t you want your height units to be base twelve to accompany your base fourteen weight units, of which Hekla had 130lbs.

First up was McDonalds, and she took up their offering of a super-sized Big Mac and fries. Super-sizing is when you take unhealthy food and decide that unhealthy food is too healthy. Big Macs are not just large laptops but also cardboard partitioned by something broadly resembling meat and cheese so processed it is probably only a lightning bolt away from coming to life. There used to be a pickles and lettuce in a Big Mac too, but then they realised that those were vegetables. And vegetables are unamerican goddammit! The only day you eat vegetables is on Turkey Day – as per the American Constitution. Turkey Day being the day when Americans gobble-gobble-gobble all animals that go gobble-gobble-gobble, to celebrate the massacring of Native Americans or something. All this was served with fries, which are like chips, only they don’t really contain any potato, just the deep-fat fry around where a potato would normally be. And washed down with a coke, which originally contain cocaine, but has since had its recipe changed to make it less healthy.

Next up was Starbucks, where Hekla ordered a Italiano Coffeeato and a pastry. Because nothing is as American as overpaying for a bucket of Italian coffee served with a Danish pastry. And, as soon as they called the name of Hilda or Helga or whatever her name isn’t, she collected her coffee and pastry and consumed them both. 2 down, 48 to go. Or, as they say in the States 𔄚 down and 46… no wait, 47 to go? No, that’s not it. Wait a sec, guys. Let me just… I wanna say 46 to go? Let me check on my iPhone… oh 48 to go apparently. Who knew?”

This was followed by Subway, which is the nearest that America gets to being healthy. One guy famously lost loads of weight just eating Subways. Of course, he then gained all back by virtue of a diet of just fast food, but… ‘Merica, f uck yeah! A mirite? Anyway, Hekla had a foot-long sub [4] and five cookies and a Coke – because in America, nobody drinks Pepsi and yet somehow the company still survives. Nobody knows how.

46 was Burger King, which is the closest America gets to a royal family. It sells only two things… burgers, and dreams. But mainly burgers. Hekla had the Triple Stacker King, which is like the Double Stacker King, only more stacked-er. All Burger King meals end in either King (understandable) or Whopper (WTF?). All of this, Hekla was bloated from over-eating, which just made her feel more American. Plus, the person who served her the food was wholly disinterested, which really felt like the true American experience.

After this was Taco Bell. Because if there is one thing that truly defines being an American, it is that you must hate the Mexicans… apart from when you’re hungry. THIS is what being an American is all about. So she drove her pick-up truck [5] to the chain in question, and ordered an XXL Grilled Stuft Burrito. [6] This day had proven to be productive. But a real American knows that this must become the norm. She finished the day at a motel populated mainly by men having extra extra-marital affairs, and watched SVU on the TV whilst wishing that Detective Stabler was still in the show. Like a real American would.

The following day brought about a trip to Wendy’s, which is like a McDonalds, only it isn’t actually that abhorrent. This is its main USP and one that Hekla came to appreciate after the previous day. She had a BLT chicken sandwich, which is what the call their BLT chicken burger, and again she had some Coke. As in Coca-Cola, not as in cocaine. She was a modern American after all, not an 80’s American [7] .

Further down the list of places she had to visit was the Mecca of those in the law enforcement industry… Dunkin’ Donuts. You know a place is American when the spell dunking as ‘Dunkin’’, with the apostrophe and all. They specialise in glazed donuts, not to be confused with doughnuts, since the latter has jam – or jelly as Americans call it, although jelly is what normal people call Jell-O. However, instead of having jelly centers, Americans prefer their centers to contain… nothing. Just a hole. Like, what’s the point in that. Is this how Americans calorie count? By eating unhealthy food, but making it less unhealthy by simply not eating food with a center? No wonder you guys were dumb enough to vote for Trump. She bought herself a dozen donuts (again with the base 12) and an Iced Coffee, which is essentially across between coffee and gazpacho soup, and should be drunk in absolutely no circumstances. The donuts, however, were great. Hekla felt like a character from The Simpsons as she ate them. Little known fact but the USA was actually founded in tribute to the long-running show The Simpsons, and many of their customs were stolen from The Simpsons, such as donut-eating and Trump as president.

Now onto the next one on Hekla’s list. Since Hekla wished to be an American, she was eating at all these fast-food places. But since Hekla wanted to be a white American, she was eating at Chick-fil-A. These fellas serve chicken sandwiches and, in Heklas case, Chicken Deluxe Sandwich Combos, which is, in so many ways, a bit of a mouthful. She had these with large waffle potato fries because apparently these guys use four words when one will do.

The following place on the list was Domino’s which, and here’s a little known fact, is the priciest place in the world. Of course, as a pizza place, they deliver, as any WG reader knows. Hekla, committed to appeasing you filthy WG readers, ordered a 16” pizza. I mean, Domino’s technically also do stuff other than pizza, but imagine being the person who orders a sandwich from Domino’s. It just can’t happen. Not in this country. Not in my United States of motherfucking America.

And so it continued. Hekla gorging through the various fast-food places that make up this young nation. Pizza Hut happened, straight after Domino’s annoyingly. Then there was Panera Bread, whatever the fuck that is, followed by the wonderful Chipotle. After all, the only time American food is good, is when they steal it from South of the border. And this is what Lincoln was yabbering on about in his Gettysburg Address, how Mexican food is the only good food in America. That and slavery. B ecause America doesn’t need slaves any more, it has a privatised prison system to do that job instead.

By this point, Hekla’s appearance was fleshing out. She had left her stylish Icelandic jumpers behind, and was wearing double-denim like the American she wanted to be. And the double-denim hugged stylishly. Her tush, which is what they call arses in America, was widening and deepening like that of future POTUS Kim Kardashian [8] . Her breasts inflated without suffering the ignominy of drooping. And her stomach, once slender and healthy, was now regular and with a hint of convexion. She liked what she saw in the mirror and winked at herself. She took out her phone and snapped a selfie in the bathroom mirror in the quintessential American way, with one foot on the sink. She was starting to get there at last. She stopped and wondered what time Jeopardy was on, fully embracing her new home nation.

Another day, and another one on the list. This time KFC, the inspriation between the greatest line from a US sitcom ever - “You are the worst thing to happen to America since food in buckets”. So, in acknowledgement of this line from the brilliant Veep, Hekla ordered a bucket of fried chicken. She washed it down with fries so skinny that they could be mistaken for the cast of One Tree Hill, and Pepsi. Because the Coca-Cola squirter was apparently not working.

N ext on the list is Sonic. No, not as in the hedgehog. No, American’s have also named a fast-food chain after their second favorite type of boom [9] . Apparently Sonic calls itself “America’s drive in”, which makes you wonder what McDonalds is. Also, not to be confused with “America’s drive by”, which is the American education system. She had a SuperSONIC Bacon Double Cheeseburger Combo, though I have no idea whether it’s the bacon, the cheese, or the burger that the ‘double’ is referring to. Either way, Hekla enjoyed it, and her denim jeans didn’t.

A brief flicker in variety came into Hekla’s diet at this point, because next on the list was Dairy Queen [1 0 ] . Hekla couldn’t decide which one was the most American between Oreo, Reese’s Pieces, one inspired by Cookie Dough, and one inspired by S’mores. So she did what any American would do in this situation, and ordered all four. Oreos, for our non-American readers, are referred to as a sandwich, which explains a lot about America’s obesity problem. Also nobody likes the ‘bread’ of the Oreo sandwich, which makes their popularity a bit weird.

After this, Hekla went to the place where they say “we have the meats”, which is a slogan that exists, apparently. Arby’s, named after the 17 th and 2 nd letters of the alphabet. Hekla went for the three cheese roast beef sandwich, because Dutch cheese, British cheese and Swiss cheese served atop Scottish beef is what constitutes as America n these days. At least the service was typically American, served with psychopathic smiles and politeness so insincere they should consider going into politics. And maybe them going into politics wouldn’t be such a bad idea since, given that they have no political experience or expertise, they’d fit right in.

A nother day, another splurge of dollars on fast food. Hekla was ordering in again, which means pizza, which means Little Caesars. The best thing about little Caesars is that it contains the only remaining “ae” in the US English language [11] . Seriously. There is no “ae” in encyclopedia, pediatrics, anesthesia, feces, paleontology. They just hate ligatures. But enough about the linguistics, the pizza was meh and plentiful, in the American fashion, and the service was fast and begrudging, in the American tradition. And it brought her up to 141lbs, an increase of 11lbs on her previous frame, as is the American tradition also.

Jack in the Box next, a cheap and cheerless option. Followed by Popeyes, which is a rubbish name for a place that doesn’t sell spinach or olive oil. She opted for the 16 piece bonafide meal, and was seriously bloated at the end of it. If you saw her, tending her food baby, then the meal wouldn’t be the only thing bonerfied.

At this point, the standard was slipping, which brings us neatly to Papa John’s. It may be called Papa John’s but it’s more Racist Uncle, truth be known. Plus the food’s a piece of shit, but that might be due to America’s limited array of curse words. They lack the bollocks, the wank, the cunt, the bastard, the git, the bloody, the bugger, the minging, the munting, the twat, the dickhead, the prick, the bellend [12] the nob, the turdpipe, the pissball, the shithead and the cock to truly express how bad it is . Which didn’t stop Hekla from ordering it, as per the American way.

Panda Express was up next and Chinese food was always great. Tariff-ic, you might say. Certainly, Hekla enjoyed it without complaint. So much so that she didn’t move onto the next one for a while, but spent the next few days working her way through the menu. You gotta love Hekla’s commitment to fulfilling herself and filling herself full. We might make an American out of her yet. Not as good as the authentic Chinese food from New York, but she forgot about that. After all, it’s Chinatown.

Hekla was nearing halfway now, and the weight was making itself manifest now. At her bijou height, it couldn’t not. Her leather chaps were straining, her cowboy jacket zipper at its upper limits. She was looking stockier, her slender and stylish Reykjavik shape pudging up and getting more heavy-set . A m ore British build now, but still some way to go to being American.

She had to update the administrator at this point, and relay her progress. The staff member Dick Johnson noted the progress. He respected the baseball cap, and that she came into the office listening to Jon Bon Jovi on Beatz headphones. He liked that she referred to lager as beer, and beer as draught, and that actual draught no longer existed in her mind. He noted in the positive the fact that she called an aubergine an eggplant, despite eggplant being a stupid name for something that is not a planted egg or a plant that flowers eggs. She got good marks for not being able to identify India on a map, and for thinking that Iraq was an Apple product. And when she thought an Australian accent was an English one, he knew she was well on her way to truly assimilating. But the weight was an issue. Only 147lbs on her 5ft3 frame made her barely overweight, and not even approaching obese. And she was nearly halfway? This was an issue, since they have a name for Americans who weigh less than 200lbs Canadians. It was agreed that she would have to be like she’s at Panda Express, and work her way and work her weigh through each menu, else she’ll never be big enough to sing along to the bits of the Star Spangled Banner that she knows whilst sort of mumbling the bits that she’s not so sure about, like a real American.

A nd this updated project would start with Whataburger, which gets its name because the people who make the food barely know Whataburger is. Which is a shame when Hekla had to get through all of the menu. Fortunately, she may be Hekla by name, but she’s no heckler by nature. She put up, shut up and ate up, before going back to her motel more stuffed than a person who has so overeaten their Thanksgiving dinner that they’re more stuffed than the turkey they’ve just had on Thanksgiving. Long story short, she was full. So she chilled by ordering a drinks helmet like all Americans do, thanks to the Amazon Prime that all Americans have.

After that, Hekla had to handle Hardee’s, which is a burger and fast-food chain that nobody has ever heard of. To make things worse, that was followed by Jimmy Johns, whose name sounds like cockney rhyming slang [13] for something and who is essentially just the Betamax to Subway’s VHS. The compensation is that they have a sandwich called Gargantuan and, simply by eating that, Hekla became a little more American. It contains more meat than a gathering of Republican congressmen, and, as a result of all that American carnivorous excess, Hekla had the overwhelming urge to read Tom Clancy and Lee Child novels while wrestling played in the background. “Oooo, that’s gotta hurt” she cried at the guy getting walloped with a chair, whilst scratching her armpits with one hand and drink a couple of beers in the other, whilst spilling some on her tanktop. It was that kinda sandwich.

A fter that, it’s down South (or should that be Zouth?) to Zaxby’s, an eatery that serves large portions and little purpose, especially given that proper nouns aren’t allowed in Scrabble. They sell a lot of buffalo wings which, for the anatomically or zoologically savvy, are about as accurate a description as fish fingers. Either that or America are breeding Pegasi. But they clog arteries with cholesterol to a satisfactory degree which serves the job that most Americans – and now Hekla – require.

And that marks halfway, but the new menu-centric approach to indulgence is taking its toll at last. Finally, Hekla’s rump has that Yankee jiggle, bulbs of flesh softened and made pliable. Her breasts have expanded also, providing her with nature’s cup holder where the bottle of coke can now rest. And her stomach now ventures beyond her hips and outwards, so that when she now walks into things, it’s her stomach that comes into contact with it first. This is what happens when a 5ft3 Icelandic girl goes from a modest 130lbs – and we know the Americans hate modesty, such self-celebration is one of their many virtues – all the way up to 157lbs.

But onwards and outwards she travels. Now to Carl’s Jr, with its grammatically incongruent name. Jr simply isn’t a noun [14]. Even more disappointingly, Carl’s Jr is just the syntactically stupid name for Hardee’s, a place that Hekla had already frequented. They are the same place, except Carl Jr is West Side (which is why you go there Tupac on the pounds) and Hardee’s is East Side (which is why you go there until you are N otoriously BIG). Hekla should have skipped this one on this basis, but since when does an American turn down a meal. This is America we’re talking about, not Cuba! So, another lap of its dodecadent [ 15 ] deliciousness.

Then to Five Guys, where part of the menu is designated to dogs. But no, this isn’t Vietnam (or ‘Nam, as they say over here), they mean like corndogs and hotdogs. There are worse burgers in the world than theirs, I guess, up to and including the department store Herbergers. Hard to work through the menu of a place so flexible to catering to your needs, but Americans don’t back down from a challenge (just ask ‘Nam. Or soon to be Iran.[ 16 ]) and Hekla managed it.

After that, it’s Culver’s. The greatest thing to come out of Wisconsin since… ever? Oh wait, Mark Ruffalo is actually born is Kenosha, Wisconsin[ 17 ]. I’ll start again.

After that, it’s Culver’s. The second greatest thing to come out of Wisconsin since… ever? They specialise in butterburgers, which sounds healthy. That’s pretty much like serving cyanide-infused arsenic. But getting fat is the official American national past-time, and Culver’s certainly helps out in that regard.

Next up is Bojangles and Wingstop, and yeah, these are getting kinda obscure now. They both do chicken, but only one of them was inspired by a single by the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band, and no, there isn’t a song called Mr Wingstop. Hekla is getting faster at getting fatter now, blitzing through them like a California wildfire in a forest that hasn’t been raked. It takes her to 169lbs and on the cusp of being obese. And soon America will welcome her into its bingo-winged arms.

Jersey Mike’s next, and their sub standard is, annoyingly, not substandard. They have a great range, and, most importantly, have a sandwich size called Giant. It’s 14-15 inches long, which is longer than Jonah Falcon and I hate the fact that I had to Google that. I need to delete the cookies on my browser now, otherwise I’ll be plagued with hard-to-explain ads in my sidebar online. And talking of removing cookies…

Hekla was getting full now. Winded. Bloated. Just, generally, more American. But there was less than 20 menus to work through now. And she could do it. She could soar like the American Eagle, and eat like the American people. It was all in her hands now. Or, more precisely, most of it was all in her stomach.

Steak’n’Shake was supposed to be next, but they’ve all but gone bust. Going broke is the final chapter of the American dream, and don’t you forget it. Unless your Donald Trump, in which case it’s Chapters 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6, but strangely Chapter 7 is become President of the United States. Then comes Rally’s and they do… burgers. For a change. Fortunately, to tire of burgers is to tire of being American, and so Hekla continued with hedonistic abandon. After that, El Pollo Loco, which specialises in Mexico and chickens. Think KFC meets Taco Bell. It’s not the unhealthiest place truthfully, so Hekla got through that one quickly. After that, it’s Papa Murphy’s. Following the tradition established by Papa John of taking the Italian for dad (Papa) to make it sound authentic, and then following it with the least Italian name in existence. The marketing team would have come up with a better name, but it was coming up to lunch time so they they stopped brainstorming. It took Hekla up to an impressive 177lbs and obese. Congratulations! Celebrate the American way by staying in on your own and drinking, whilst criticising Star Wars: The Last Jedi or the final season of Game of Thrones on Twitter [ 18 ].

Then, Hekla hit up Qdoba, which serves Mexican food and is named after gibberish and nonsense. But they have a great range of burritoes. Then comes Church’s Chicken, which sells chicken and communion wafers. It is a chicken fast-food place that was founded on a street opposite from The Alamo, which is the most American thing I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen the movies of Michael Bay.

Del Taco next and 190lbs. Moe’s Southwest Grill and 194lbs. Then the final ten, and, honestly, apart from In-N-Out Burger and Basking Robbins, I’ve heard of none of them. Number 50 is in fact called Noodles and Co, which suggests it was founded by a Mr Noodles and others. It took Hekla, or Madeline as she’s now called, a lot of effort but eventually she worked through them all. And so she returned to staff member Dick Johnson to claim her American citizenship.

“ Well, if it isn’t the ol’ Icelandino girl” he said Americanly, whilst stroking his pet eagle [ 19 ].

“ You betcha, buddy” she replied, whilst fiddling with the semi-automatic rifle she know keeps on her person.

“ And how many pounderoonies are you uppily up to?” he said, whilst staring deadpan at the camera.

“ 239lbs” she replied. And boy did it tell. Behind the USA shirt and the shorts in the color of the American flag, was a fat girl. Her legs as thick as the General Sherman Tree’s trunk. Her calves were now no longer calves but fully fledged buffalo [ 20 ]. Her gut hung down beneath her shirt, drooping towards her crotch. Even her face, once enigmatically charming, was now just a graveyard of zits and racial judgementalism. She had truly assimilated.

“ Wowzers, that sure is some good going there, buddy. Welcome to the club”

And Madeline walked out of the office bureau an American at last. Yippee-ki-yay motherfucker!

[ 1] The only American male actor to not have sexually assaulted anybody. And also the star of Big.

[2] Well 49, because Tim Hortons is on the list but that one doesn’t really count as American, does it? Tim Hortons is as American as a beaver fucking a mountie and then apologising for it. In French.

[3] Pounds, it turned out, were an imperial unit of weight common across this nation. They are a fourteenth of a stone, a perfectly normal and regular denomination of weight that in no way belongs in the dark ages before the birth of decimal.

[4] A foot is about the length of 30cms, or one actual large human foot)

[5] With a Confederate Flag sticker on the back window

[6] Each of those Xs stands for Xamerica. The L stands for Large.

[8] Vice-President is Heidi Montag. Or, at least, the plastic and botox shell that surrounds Heidi Montag.

[9] Their favorite type of boom is “boom shakalaka” obviously

[ 1 0 ] Of course, this being America, you have to very clear not mix up ice cream, with “I scream”, which is what the children do when they’re locked up by the ICE team.

[11] This is a complete and utter lie. But what can be more American than Fake News?

[12] Though is that one really swearing? According to Ofcom it is, but Ofcom are a bunch of bellends

[14] U nless you’re Sean Connery and Indiana Jones is your son.

[ 15 ] Dodecadent is 20% more decadent than decadent, and 100% more decadent than hexadent. That’s just basic math [ 21 ]

[ 16 ] Real Americans love war and tanks and all that genocidal, mass-murdering goodness. Yee-haw!

[ 17 ] Interesting fact, Mark Ruffalo is the closest thing that America has to a national treasure. If they had national treasures, Mark Ruffalo would be one. But they don’t. So, that’s that, I guess. Interesting Fact 2: Mark Ruffalo is the Oscar nominated actor to rhyme with The Gruffalo.

[ 18 ] Episode 8 or Season 8, Americans hate franchises when they get to 8. Apart from The Fast and The Furious franchise, which shows that the hating is all bullshit.

[ 19 ] This is not a euphemism. This ain’t the film industry

[ 21 ] Math is correct. The Americans say math and science, which is consistent, well done. The French say les maths et les sciences. Again, consistent, so felicitations to you too. However, the British say maths (plural) and science (sing.). This kind of inconsistency is how Boris Johnson and Brexit happen. Get your shit together Britain!


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